First, my truths.

1)  I have a PGA accepted Hole-In-One (just to show up my man Eric) Wink

This one is true, but I did make an error in that it was USGA accepted, and not PGA.  Honest mistake.  Haven't looked at the certificate in a few years.

Sept. 11, 1999, Night Golf.  Pitch black except for a glowing ball and a glowing flag where the hole is.  The kind of thing you do with a bunch of buddies either right before, during, or after getting blitzed.  Having just the ball and no real ground or landmarks really plays with your depth perception, so I closed one eye and took a swing at the very first hole.  I was just lucky I hit it (the previous guy, who was actually a pretty good golfer, whiffed twice).  Saw the flight, the hit, the bounce, the roll, and then it disappeared.  I thought it was in a little pond that was just to the left of the hole, but nope.  "It's in the hole", as anyone that's ever seen Caddy Shack would say.  The course actually took it fairly seriously, making me sign a paper swearing to it, and making all witnesses sign it too.  I found out later that they even called out a reporter from a small local paper, and had a small blurb about it in the next day's paper.  Pretty funny.  A few weeks later, I got a letter from the course, a certificate from the USGA, and a coupon for 2 free 9-hole rounds of golf in the mail.

2)  I was once the driver in an actual (legal) 1/4 mile street race... and won. (non-nitrous)

Actually, many times.  In my youth (early 20's), I loved fast cars.  At the time, having a fairly good job and no real debt, I bought myself a 1989 Formula 350 Firebird.  It was basically a Corvette without the aluminum heads.  In the warehouse of the company I worked for, there was a nice guy that I was friends with, and he used to give me a lot of crap about my having a "poor man's 'Vette", and "wait until I get my REAL 'Vette" and such.  Good natured ribbing, of course.  Well, this guy showed up on day with an 84 Corvette that had looked like it had been stripped and left for parts.  I mean, it was horrible.  And he was so proud of it.  And such a horrible year for the Corvette, right at the height of all the emissions restrictions.

Anyway, he kept calling me out for a street race, so we decided to make a full day of it and went to the Union Grove racetrack (now called great Lakes Dragaway) in Wisconsin.  A few times a month they offered open racing, and we thought it would be a cool way to settle our "dispute".  To make an already long story a bit shorter, I whupped him every race.  It was so much fun being on a real track, doing actual bleach burnouts to heat up the tires (not that we needed to with our lowly stock cars), and timing the "tree" that we wound up going back and doing it again a few more times that summer.  Sadly, all the ink on my timeslips have faded away to nothing, but I still have a trophy to help me remember the day...

And my lie...

3)  I am related to (cousins with) Christoph Waltz, who played the main Nazi from Inglorious Basterds and the German bounty hunter Schultz from Django Unchained.

Not true that I know of, but every time we see a person of German/Austrian heritage on TV or at the movies (or a Nazi in any WW2 movie), all my buddies scream out "look, it's your cousin!"  So I thought I would play on that.


"Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil’s pawn. Alone among God’s primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother’s land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death.” – Sacred Scroll 29:6

"Somewhere out there, there has to be something better than man" - George Taylor